Waking Hours

It was early morning and the dawn was at least an hour away. My wife was still fast asleep. I find these waking hours very peaceful. It is still dark, there is virtually no activity or disturbance of any kind. Your mind is calm, without a ripple and you are on your own. Ideal time just to be alone with yourself and your thoughts!

For no particular reason, I travelled down the memory lane thinking about a trip I had undertaken to a famous temple. It was many, many years back when I was a young man and serving in the army, we were camping at a place called Udhampur. We were on duty. On a Sunday morning, I along with a few friends, on the spur of the moment decided to visit Vaisnav Devi, a religious shrine. It was not so much out of conviction, as it was for having just a day out for physical activity and some fun.

Vaishnav Devi Temple is located a few miles away from Udhampur, up in the hills in the state of Jammu & Kashmir. It would take us a whole day to go and return, mostly on foot. We started early morning in a jeep. On reaching the foothills, we started walking up, slowly climbing the steep heights. After about an hour or so, we overtook an old woman who like us, was going up to have a ‘darshan’ of the famous deity, Vaishnav Devi. She was carrying a heavy bundle on her head, probably some clothes and other basic needs. Out of consideration for her age, I offered to carry her bundle for some distance. ‘No son, no’, she replied, ‘I must carry my load myself. Otherwise, I will not get the ‘phal’ (meaning the fruit or the reward) from Vaishnav Devi for this effort’!

I was struck by the blind faith and devotion of the old woman. It also carried an important message about life, which I did not fully understand at that time. ‘I must carry my load alone’! We all must carry our loads all by ourselves!‘Carrying our loads’, what exactly it means! I think these are mostly our acts of commission or omission as we travel on this journey called ‘life’! Our good acts which made our life and lives of others, better and more meaningful are those ‘loads’ which are a pleasure to carry. These are not ‘loads’ in the real sense. Don’t we show them off when we get a chance? But what about those occasions where we did not do the right thing, or worse, did the wrong thing? These ‘loads’ mostly outnumber the good ones I mentioned earlier

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How many times we lacked the courage and conviction to stand by principles just to be on the right side of powerful people! Just to gain some advantage which was not rightfully ours? Worse, we hurt others in the process! By deliberate commissions and omissions, we supported the wrong doers so that we too could share a piece of their illicit cake. We fell so easily to temptations even if momentarily!

We dare not talk about these ‘loads’ we secretly carry in our memory, neatly tucked away from others and ourselves. We were responsible for those ‘loads’ and we consciously or unconsciously carry them, have to carry them. There is no choice! But it takes a life time to realize this truth. And worse, we then have this hopeless feeling of being stranded that there is not much time left to make amends!

Going back to that day of our visit to ‘Vaishnav Devi’ Temple, after having ‘darshan’ of the Goddess, my friends and I rested for some time under a tree, just outside the main premises of the temple. We were hungry and ate refreshments we had brought with us. At the back of my mind, I was thinking and wondering about that old woman we had overtaken on the way up. And then I saw her, slowly trudging up with her big bundle. She stopped, put down her load to catch her breath and sat down near us to rest for a while. She looked very tired. I offered a glass of water to her. She said, ‘no, beta, I cannot eat or drink anything till I meet the Goddess, Vaishnav Devi’! I marveled at this tough, old woman while feeling very guilty that I, not even half her age, had drunk water a couple of times on our way up itself!

After resting for about 15 minutes, the woman was ready to go inside the temple. She got up and then turned to us with a request, ‘could you please wait some more time and take care of my bundle while I finish with ‘darshan’ of Vaishnav Devi?’ We did not have the heart to refuse. ‘No problem, we can wait for you’, I replied. She slowly walked towards the temple. We loudly wondered about her. How far from she had come, did she have a family, why no one accompanied her, poor thing!

Half an hour later, the woman reappeared. As we watched her, we noticed a sea change in her. She looked so fresh, cheerful and full of energy. There was a spring in her step. ‘Thank you beta for waiting for me and for taking care of my bundle! You did a good deed today by helping me. Every day, remember, you must do a good deed. Bhagwan tumhara bhala karega!’(God will take care of you!). Then she added wistfully, ‘Today, I have washed away all my sins by visiting Vaishnav Devi’! What sins this poor, old woman could have committed, I wondered! This simple soul with a simple philosophy of life and lots of faith, she looked so happy at that moment! Obviously, she had passed on her ‘loads’ to Vaishnav Devi!


As my wife stirred from her slumber, she mumbled 'have you made tea?' Making tea in the morning, incidentally is my responsibility. I was ready for my good deed of the day!